Making Up

The last three weeks have been a wild emotional rollercoaster of enormous proportions. Steep climbs toward the blue sky, wide and spacious and light, followed by gut wrenching plummets into darkness and heart-stopping corkscrew spins.

It seems, I hope, that the ride is leveling out some.

M and I have had so much to talk about and work out, and having Zach around prevents us from having these conversations spontaneously. Instead we sit together on the couch, each on a separate laptop computer, and converse over IM, while Zach watches TV. Every now and then he’ll ask why we’re laughing, when we share a private typed joke on opposite ends of the couch with Zach cuddling in-between us.

M types, “I cannot imagine life without you. I really cannot. The thought of losing you just destroys me. I will go through a world of pain and hurt and destructive behavior without you.

“I love you with every single solitary cell in my body. I pine for you. I love your presence here. I love that you and Zach so love each other. BTW No Woody Allen activities allowed in 11 years.

“But because I love you so, well so HARD, the anger and hurt that I felt was equally intense.”

“As was / is mine, “ I answer, “I believe that you love me like you say you do. I always have. I think I even believed it before you did.

“What I don't understand is since you love me so much, why aren't you absolutely committed to making this work. Yes, it may not work out, in which case we will both be hurting like hell, but is that worse than deciding not to try at all, and hurting like hell now? And wondering for the rest of our lives what could have been if we had only tried?

“I really believe that our relationship could be "the one" so to speak. I have never felt this way about any man in my life before. All my other relationships have felt like pit stops on a long journey. But with you I feel like I have found the gold at the end of the rainbow.”

“This is the one. And with that comes so much joy and the potential for so so much pain.

”Question is...are you willing to take the risk? I am. Right now, with every cell in my body.

“I am hanging by a thread, so uncertain of what you will ultimately decide. But I will hang on with all my might until you pull me back up over the cliff or cut me loose."

He answers,

“Let's give it a try. Let's make this work. Let me make it my life's work to make you feel happy and safe. Really, and absolutely. I don't want to go down to the tow-pound in Manhattan to look for the next [Hometown]-girl with a [Hometown grocery store] bag Now pass the whiskey.

Later he types…

“ Don't have anything to say other than I am VERY happy and content to have you and Zach here with me. You make me feel wonderful

(When you are not cleaving my heart in two)”

Damn. He always has to get in that final jab.